The Vibeology of Epic Universe

It’s not a ranking. It’s not an overall review. The following is strictly discussing the vibes of Epic Universe, the first new, full-scale theme park in Orlando in almost thirty years. As Universal Orlando prepares for the park’s official opening, I’ve been able to check out the park to figure out what vibes are being presented to guests. Crank up the Paula Abdul, it’s time for the park’s vibeology.

Constellation Carousel - Okay, but like, she ate? It brings to mind the SeaGlass Carousel in New York City’s Battery Park. Synchronized to original music and featuring astrological inspired animals to ride, this carousel is so remarkably original, it begs the question: “Why aren’t these everywhere?!" Under a gorgeous canopy, the animals rise and fall as various instrumental pieces play. With no mechanisms above guests, the experience feels ethereal. Now, at night? She is that girl. Vibes: Immaculate
Stardust Racers - I’m going to say something controversial, yet brave: this attraction is forgettable. The coaster itself is a blast, with a double launch at the start, remarkable amounts of air time, and a variety of thrilling dueling moments. Yet, its unclear story places the entire attraction in a thematic purgatory. Why are we in the stars? Are we riding on comets? Why can I see this fully within the Isle of Berk? A great ride experience that doesn’t necessarily fit within a park that prides itself on immersion. Vibes: A cute pair of mismatched socks

Curse of the Werewolf - You know when your little brother wants to join the game you’re playing, but it's far too intense, so they play some unnecessary role on the side? “Can I play Cops & Robbers, too? I wanna be in the shootout!" “Okay, sure, you can…you can be the clerk watching from inside the convenience store!" This thirty second long coaster fills that role. In theory: fun! A spinning coaster themed around The Wolf Man. Yet, the profoundly fast ride time paired with the less-than-stellar theming of a family coaster within a horror land makes you think “aw, well at least they joined in the fun!" Shout out to the iconic mannequin, likely purchased from a Forever 21 going out of business sale, at the end serving camp on a platter. Vibes: “Bless Her Heart!"
Monsters Unchained: The Frankenstein Experiment - Alexa, play “O Holy Night" by Mariah Carey. This girl? Right here? She is my main. She is my person. She is the reason I wake up in the morning and the reason I dread going to bed every night. The world building and the animatronics and the ride mechanics and the storytelling and, above all, my sweet bby Creature from the Black Lagoon in the flesh? Spread my ashes here, ‘cause I am dead. Everyone wants to be her, but few can get anywhere close. Make her a national monument. Protect her for centuries to come. (But also, maybe tone down the seizure-inducing lights in the queue, as I saw one girl have to throw on sunglasses and be escorted out…) Are there flaws? Lots (Y’all couldn’t decorate a wall in theme and, instead, resorted to some black curtains? Why am I being turned to face an emergency exit and some folding chairs? Why are all the animatronic mechanics as visible as Dracula showing off his bare feet?), but it still is a bright spot in the park. Vibes: Carly Simon-esque
Le Cirque Arcanus - This theatrical show is set to be operated like the now extinct Poseidon’s Fury at IOA. The show works to have an ever flowing array of guests with ample queue space dedicated. It’s a feat of efficiency and technology, no doubt. However, what do we receive on the stage? Yikes. None of it works. There’s a rather awe-inducing stage reveal at one point in the show that does inspire gasps from the audience, but otherwise? It’s (purposefully) lackluster circus acts followed by (accidentally) lackluster storytelling. Does anyone care this much about the Fantastic Beasts franchise? Kudos to every performer on stage giving it their all, but yeesh to what they have to work with. It’s the Redwood of Epic Universe. Vibes: Third grade talent show

Dragon Racer’s Rally - This is a pre-fabbed attraction, meaning it’s everything, everywhere all at once. I mean, what we really need is to talk with Tara, the Queen Shell Spinner of Shell Shock. We need to consider her thoughts on this new adaptation. For first timers, it will be remarkably difficult to comprehend the mechanics for full flips (present company included). Also, with the capacity being so small, I can imagine this will feature long lines with even lengthier complaints from guests. I don’t know if they found this ride system on sale and decided to take the L for cost-effectiveness (honey, I love a bargain, so no knocking that), but it doesn’t make sense to have such low capacity in a major theme park. Vibes: Why?
Fyre Drill - Another pre-fabbed ride for the land, albeit much more successful. At once a shooter, a water ride, and slow moving family attraction. The set-building is quite cute, with seemingly hand-made woodwork filling the water as guests use their canons to hit various targets. Will you get wet? Oh, 100%. Doesn’t every theme park deserve at least one ride where they can cool off? Of course, and this is a delightful addition to that trend. Adorable, I say! Vibes: Sooooo baby girl
Hiccup’s Wing Gliders - Can I say something crazy? Like, really crazy? I think this is my favorite attraction at Epic Universe. A pitch perfect family coaster that features the best pairing of thrills and scenes. The surprise animatronics were a true treat and a story-telling portion halfway through had me fully assuming the ride was broken. I was laughing and screaming and audibly shouting “This is so fun and adorable!" as if I had to write a review of an Amazon product I was gifted. It’s truly wonderful and I plan on riding it as many times as I possibly can in my lifetime. (The queue line, however, feels like it's built from the thinnest wood, which adds an extra level of thrill. Will I fall through this staircase? Who knows!) Vibes: This Vine
Mine Cart Madness - The Donkey Kong animatronic joins the ranks of “Ape robots that I wish I could have at home to snuggle" alongside Kong from Skull Island. She’s a rough one, Mine Cart Madness. While it adds to the theming, it also adds to my hospital bill HEY-O! The harness tends to fall deeper into your lap with each rumble of the carts on the track, so call up my health insurance company HEY-O! The frequently hyped “jumping off the track effect" doesn’t work 100% of the time, but she’s a cutie nonetheless. Vibes: Cutsie concussions
Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge - We saw it debut in Japan. We saw it open in Hollywood. What did Universal do? Not change a darn thing. Carbon copies are not the problem…carbon copies of inherently lackluster attractions are a problem. The tech, while impressive, makes the attraction too frenetic to focus. The scenic design is gorgeous, but pushed to the side for a game element that doesn’t necessarily work/make sense. My next go at karting? I will be riding screenless. (Shout out to the wildest “pre-show" to ever exist. No words, just visuals and lilty music. Period!) Vibes: iPad baby
Yoshi’s Adventure - Brave to create an omnimover attraction that clocks in at around 75 seconds. There’s a light game element about finding eggs that’s for the kiddos, but oddly doesn’t connect with the money-making wristbands highly touted throughout the land. There’s a show scene that will have you screaming “kawaii" at the top of your lungs, but the rest of the attraction is visible from the rest of the land. I think my favorite part was the big clumps of wires sitting on the ground. Add in the lap bar adding a height requirement to a ride that shouldn’t have one and you have yourself a mish mash of mixed messages. Vibes: An escape room where everyone loses